Blocked at Every Turn

I know I said I would be blogging more, and believe me, I've tried. The most frequent place I blog is at work, when I'm in a class and the students are working on a project. But for the last two weeks the DU network hasn't allowed me access to the site, saying it's a "potential phishing risk" or something....and then the time I tried to blog at home, it came back as the website undergoing routine maintenance. Grr! So here I am now. Apparently DU thinks this is an okay site again, because I am in class. *shrug*

HEALTH, YOGA, TEACHING, AND LOTS OF OTHER TOSH
Well, my recommitment to me so far has been going pretty well. I haven't lost as much weight as I would have liked to, but I'm trying to make it not about that. I have been doing yoga with real regularity, and meditating too, and I feel like it's really helped me in terms of emotional/mental balance and physical energy.

I read an article on Yoga Journal about eating, and how craving foods (particularly sweets) is a symbol of attachment, of obsession, and can knock off your balance. I had never thought about it that way, but I know that it's true now that I think about it. It seems blasphemous to me to not have some kind of dessert with my meal. But truthfully, it's not necessary or even always good. I equated it to the interview I read with Rodney Yee, who explained that sometimes being a teacher can cause you to become dependent on students' praise and flattery....you help them achieve something, and they get all excited about you and say what a good teacher you are (as if you could actually take credit for what they do), but the downside is, once that praise is gone, you're left feeling empty. You constantly search for the next "fix" of praise. Just as I constantly search for the next sweet taste. But what that does is take away your sense of balance and poise....you can't just know you're a good teacher intrinsically. You have to be told. And heaven forbid someone tells you you're not a good teacher.

And as a teacher (not of yoga, but in general) I also feel that way. I feel so gratified when a student expresses their positive feelings about my teaching style, my personality, the class, etc. that it sometimes feels lacking if I go for awhile without hearing any praise. And it cuts to the bone when someone expresses negative feelings towards me, towards my class--even towards my subject in general. That's not balance. That's attaching my sense of self-worth and value on something outside me. And it can only come from me. Only.

THEATER
They announced the new season for the Civic, and it sounds great. They're doing Cyrano in the fall, and I full intend to get cast in that show. *wink* Only one female role? Pshaw!

I'm also intending to try out for Pirates of Penzance, which Kindleberger is doing this summer. For the first time in years, I can actually participate in Kindleberger! Hooray! I've never done outdoor theater, so it should be a fun, new experience.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I thought I should report it anyway. I was on my way to work one Wednesday morning, and I'd gotten to the place just south of Hamilton where M-40 widens to four lanes (a blessing for those of us who hate getting caught behind the "Hurry Courier Service" car who goes as much as 20 mph under the speedlimit....hurry, indeed....). It's very busy at that point in the road. And as I approached it, I saw two dogs in the road. In fairness, there was about a foot of snow on the ground, so it's not like they had a lot of options about where to walk....but they conveniently chose the middle of the road, rather than the safer option of the shoulder. They were also completely unafraid of cars or honking, and in fact seemed like they wanted to go up to the cars who would slow down for them. Sadly, not a lot of people were slowing down, and that angered me....I mean, if you can't be bothered to think about the life of an animal, worry about your car! These were both large dogs, lab-sized or bigger, and would probably really do some damage to your front end if you hit them. But some people are just both callous and shortsighted, I guess.

So I stopped and called them over, and they came without hesitation....such sweet dogs, these two. It was obvious they had once belonged to someone; they loved people and even knew their commands a little bit. I diverted them (thankfully, a woman stopped and helped me who had dog treats and other accoutrements in her car) and Animal Control picked them up.

Well, then I learned that the county Animal Shelter routinely put animals down....they're just too small and can't handle the volume, so animals don't stick around for long if they aren't claimed or adopted. I was horrified. I couldn't imagine putting down such sweet dogs, and I don't even like dogs! I had every intention of adopting them myself and then finding homes for them personally, if no one else did. As it turned out, two separate rescue organizations took each of them, so I didn't have to resort to extremes. But I followed their progress all the way through, and now they'll be safe, happy, and in a home as opposed to Death Row.

It really makes me consider getting more involved in animal issues....I understand that county shelters have to make do with what they have, and if they don't have space....they have to do what they have to do. So why don't they get more funding to build bigger facilities? This is something I may address, since I will soon be an Allegan county resident....

Speaking of which.....

HOME BUYING
Our closing date is set: March 26! We will take possession on the 29th and begin moving then. Our official "big move" date is April 5, but throughout that week we'll be in and out, moving smaller things and painting, etc. to get ready for the rest of our stuff. It seems so strange to think it's only a matter of weeks away. 3 weeks from tomorrow!

POETRY
I realized something important this past week while I was on spring break in regards to my poetry. I'd been getting pretty frustrated, not just at my lack of output, but by the fact that what I have put out seems to be coming back without results. The frustration I felt reminded me of the same frustration (mixed with a healthy dose of self-doubt) that I felt for the last five years or so, trying to get cast in plays at the Civic. Literally, five years and no casting. Granted, I didn't try out for every play available, but I did audition at least once or twice a season as my schedule allowed, and no luck. This stood in direct contrast to the praise I'd received after my first show there from the illustrious Jim Carver (whom I saw, recently, at the Civic season-announcement party--it was so good to see him!).

So after I didn't get initially cast in The Women, I asked Preston, who was directing that show, what I could be doing differently in auditions to bring better results. Obviously I didn't need him to explain himself and why specifically he didn't cast me, but I wanted to know what I might be doing that was putting me in the slush pile. He said that while I read as well as anyone, I hadn't made myself "memorable" in comparison to all the others who auditioned with me (particularly for that show--he must have seen at least 75-100 women and girls). So, in other words, good, but not exciting, not enough to etch myself into the memory of the director. I took his words to heart, and, when I auditioned for Macbeth, I went over the top. And what do you know? I got cast.

That made me think of what Bob AuFrance, who directed me in Picnic my senior year at Albion said. He told me, "Remember, they [the audience] come to see you bleed." In other words, they don't pay money for a ticket to see something bland--they come to see your heart soar or break, so they can feel along with you--almost a voyeuristic/vicarious situation. And that made sense to me at the time, and it still does.

So, turning that same logic on my poetry, I can see where the poems I've been sending in are not bad, not thoroughly rejectable (as, in my darker moments, I imagine them to be), but simply not memorable. When a contest receives hundreds of entries, you absolutely need to stand out from the rest. You achieve that by "bleeding," so to speak, on the page. Letting your gut write the poem, not your head....your head can polish it, but your gut has to write it.

This (and a deadline) inspired me to revisit a poem I'd written probably a year and a half ago, during my semester with Alicia Ostriker. It was a poem about my dad's knee replacement surgery. I'd never been happy with it--it felt lackluster, bland, and emotionless. So I went back and bled all over it, figuratively speaking. *grin* But seriously--I allowed the real crux of the issue surface. Not the literal happening--oh, he had a knee replacement, it's a really grueling procedure, and he's in pain now, isn't that sad....but OH. He's my dad, we signed him up for this thinking it would help and it didn't, and now his pain is my pain, and not just that--all the drugs and their side effects, the feeling like this is a horrible carnival ride we can't get off of now, the heartbreak of it. I won't post it here because it is up for consideration at an online poetry journal, but rest assured, you'll see it there when it comes out. :)

30 Days

I've made a decision: tomorrow begins a new 30-day challenge for me. I've sort of "fallen off the wagon," so to speak, in terms of my attention to myself and my health. So I'm clambering back on.

What prompted this thought was the remembrance of how it felt when I was really paying attention. Not just to things like calories and minutes of activity, but to myself. To my body. What it wants, what it needs, and recognizing the difference between the two. I'm already trying to figure out what it is about my relationship with food that causes me to want to secretly pig out and hide the evidence (although eventually the evidence becomes apparent on my hips). I heard on an informational radio show a tip to parents, saying "let your child serve him or herself at mealtimes. They'll naturally gravitate towards portion sizes that suit them in terms of their hunger and their nutritional needs." And my first thought was, when did that disappear for me? I can't remember a time when I didn't look at food and think MORE!

However, I know that greediness does not respond to restriction. The more I disallow, the more likely I am to break down eventually and eat myself sick. I have to find a happy medium between a rigid, pre-planned meal list and the ability to choose what I feel like eating. I need choices. But above all, I need to learn how to listen to my body and not the little voice inside that wants to hoard and binge. My physical self knows when it's hungry, and how much food will satisfy it. I need to find that voice.

To that end, I'm going to be incorporating daily meditation, and often journalling and/or blogging here as I go. Daily time to be with myself and listen deeply. Because I think what really needs to be addressed is my thought process, those voices inside--some of which are currently louder than others.

So, follow along with my journey, if you will! Hopefully you find some nuggets you can hold on to, too. You can also watch me on Sparkpeople as I track and journal there; my screen name is issa1010.

Here's to 30 days of focus!

Slack Attack

Ha! It's been awhile. Things have been very busy, indeed. I have four classes this term, and a grand total of probably about 70 students (I lost a few along the way, as usual; the original count was 75+). So that means a lot of grading and planning for me, which means, in proportion, not a lot of time to blog. But things, they are a-changing!

HOME
Biggest news yet: we are buying a house! I would post a picture here, but the listing has been taken offline (obviously, since it's no longer on the market). Tomorrow, we're going to have the home inspection done, and I plan on taking a camera so I can provide pics to the masses.

Anyway, it's the same house we almost bought last year. We came so close--even had the offer written up--but chickened out at the last minute when we did a closer examination of our finances. We decided to wait and use my new income to pay down debt. We did just that (and pretty successfully, too) and then came to find out the house was still available! So we went to see it and fell in love with it all over again. We're in a much better place now to afford it, so we're going for it. It's about time! I'm so tired of renting. At this point, we're looking to move the first weekend of April. We take possession of it earlier that week, so we'll be spending evenings after work that week painting and cleaning and otherwise getting it ready for our stuff.

We're taking time now to go through our things and really pare down our clutter. Actually, it's not really clutter--not in the debilitating sense of the word--we just own a LOT. And I have no idea how that happened. On some level, it's clear, because obviously we each lived alone for a few years before we got married, so we had two households' worth of living supplies, plus we got a whole load of wedding gifts. Somehow we ended up with 2-3 blenders. ??? Thankfully I've pared some of it down over the years....a girlfriend had a house fire and needed new kitchen things, which I was happy to donate....and so on. But there's still a lot.

I know that a lot of my packrat ways are due to the fact that I'm very sentimental. But I'm the worst kind of sentimentalist, because I also have a memory like an elephant. Other people save some cute little souvenir and later forget where they got it or why, or who got it for them. I remember. But the best part of the de-cluttering has been actually realizing that I don't remember everything anymore. In going through a box of knickknack-y things that I never got around to unpacking in the 3, almost 4 years that I've lived in this place, I found two little Hot Wheels cars modeled after the new Volkswagen Beetle. I think they came from Happy Meals or something, and I hung on to them for at least 2 moves. Now I can't remember where I got them, or why I thought they were so cool. And I was so proud of myself for forgetting! And also proud for throwing them away, instead of telling myself I would give them to my nephew (because I doubt I'll see him between now and the move, and then the cars would just get packed away and forgotten about again).

THEATER
Actually, it feels redundant to write under this category, because I really have nothing to report other than I've opted not to participate in any theater until the summer. Partly this is because of my work schedule (it's been made clear to me that I may not have any more subs for classes), and then of course the move. There's just too much going on.

I did get an invitation to audition for Hollywood Arms, but the timing is just horrible. It coincides directly with our move and pre-moving (painting, etc.). I would really love to be a part of that show, because Carol Burnett is one of my favorite comediennes of all time, but it's just not going to work. Ryan would kill me dead!

POETRY
Seems like sometimes everything comes together....sometimes not. I really haven't felt terribly inspired lately. What I have tried to do is be kind to myself, not strain against myself, and allow any creative longings to take flight. What I mean by that is, okay--last November, I wrote a NaNo novel. I finished it! It was a huge accomplishment for me, and I have to say, not all of it was crap. I mean, there's potential there for it to be something. And lately, I have found myself more inclined to work on that than on poetry. Part of me wants to slap my own wrist--"bad girl! You're a poet, not a novelist!"--but then I tell myself, no. You are a writer. You are an artist. And whatever feels right, right now, is what you should pursue. Poetry will come in unbidden hours, a dripping tap that suddenly comes on full force.

I'm also getting started on a new essay for Alehouse; I'm thinking I'll focus on Ruth Ellen Kocher's writing and how it has informed my own. Ross Gay introduced me to her writing during my last semester at NEC, and then I had the privilege of meeting her later on. She's one of those poets who you read and it has a profound effect on you. Some poets you admire, but others you read and think, "that's it. That's the direction I want to go." Not something idolizing as "I want to be her," but that feeling of kindred-ness, of recognizing a shred of yourself in someone else's writing that perhaps you'd neglected, but suddenly realized was still there waiting for you to remember.

Speaking of which, I'd better shoot her an email! Gotta get this thing on the road! :)

Mish-Mash

HOLIDAYS
It's been awhile since I blogged, so here's the lowdown on the holidays. For Thanksgiving, we did the actual holiday with Ryan's cousin's family, who lives in town. It was a pretty okay time, although it was weird not seeing Bob and Carol there, and there were considerably more small children underfoot. Interesting how families grow that way. One positive thing that came out of it was my introduction to Karaoke Revolution for PS2, which was a hoot and a half. I really have to get that! Now, what would be great would be if they could combine Dance Dance Revolution AND Karaoke Revolution.....whew....

When Thanksgiving weekend hit, we went to my parents' house. I was glad to see my brother and his family, including my two amazing nephews. We weren't sure if they were going to be able to come--they've been really busy and stretched thin since my sister-in-law's dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. But they braved a day with us. I couldn't believe how big Brenden has gotten! He's seven months old, but wearing year-old clothes and rapidly growing out of them...

For Christmas, we're probably just going to hang with my parents again. We probably won't see Abe and Tracie and the kids until after the New Year. It will be nice to have a relaxing holiday....I fail to see how running around all the time really puts anyone in the holiday spirit.

THEATER
It's kind of redundant for me to put this here, since the long and short of it is that I've decided to abstain from theater for awhile. I didn't audition for Virginia Woolf or anything at the Civic, either--I decided that my sense of balance and well-being was too fragile right now to endure another rigorous rehearsal process. Plus, I can't say that I truly love any of the shows being auditioned right now. Virginia Woolf is more like a trainwreck I can't look away from--I'm intrigued, even repulsed, but it's not something I would love for the sake of doing it. I would really just enjoy the people I'd be doing it with. So a little break for me. Meanwhile, my friend Beth is auditioning for the Civic's Shakespeare in Hollywood, which is one I really want to see when it opens! Wahoo!

NANO
I finished!
50,131/50,000 (according to the NaNo word counter...my own count says over 50,200. But oh well)

SCHOOL
The semester is coming to a close. Finals are next week in all of my classes. It's hard to believe it's gone by. Five whole classes! And now they're done. I will probably get to see a lot of my PLATO and Basic Comp. students again in higher-level classes--a lot of them have been telling me they're registered with me for winter. I think it's awesome that they are excited about that--I don't have the heart to point out that I teach most of the classes at this campus now, so it's not like they have a whole lot of choice. ;)

I did have my 30-day evaluation just before Thanksgiving, and it went very well. Really, there wasn't much to say! I overachieved, like usual, with my goals sheet and even in creating a sheet that detailed some non-goal-related achievements--stuff more related to my attitude and willingness. Diana said she's happy with what I've accomplished, and I'm glad for that.

Lately I find myself struggling with the students who are not attentive and/or constantly try to get out of doing actual work. Believe it or not, this is not most of the students (as cynical minds would have you believe). Really, just a few. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Partly I think, "well, you've paid your money to get the time with me. And if this is how you want to spend it, so be it. It's your dime." So that part of me wants to just let them go about their merry ways and if they fail, or get a grade they don't like, that's their deal.

On the other hand, part of me really wants to whip these people into some shape--to knock it into their heads that this is not acceptable, and disrespectful to me. That's what gets me so worked up--it is disrespectful to the teacher, and on my less-than-100% days, I respond to it that way. I don't like that I do; I'd like to think that I'm above that. But I also remember that the teachers I respected most in high school and college were the ones that demanded excellence, and you really needn't bother showing up for class unprepared and unwilling to work. It just wasn't accepted.

I wonder if the two attitudes are not entirely mutually exclusive....can I do both? Be firm and yet detached? Someone mentioned the other day somewhere about the Buddhist tenet of not forming attachments--to things, to people, to ideas, to outcomes. But to be peaceful in whatever you do. That makes sense to me on some level, but I have no idea how to achieve it!

Meanwhile, I've been reading Alfie Kohn again--this time about his take on grades, standardized testing, and what our schools need to be for students to really thrive (he focuses on K-12, although I see a lot of his theories as applicable to higher education as well). I'm wondering how I might incorporate some of those strategies into my classrooms next term. What if there were no tests, no grades, and everything was about the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake? If students were allowed to explore what actually interested them within a field, creating their own structure that they controlled? A deeply engrained neural pathway or two in my brain objects to this, saying that it would be chaos, but then again, I'm not so sure. And can there be a balance between imposed structure (what I'm telling them they have to do) and self-created structure?

HEALTH
Since Thanksgiving, I've really rededicated myself to my own personal health and well-being. Part of this is weight loss, but another, possibly even more significant part, is just learning how to balance. I have a sort-of new job that takes a lot of time, and has a lengthy commute, so that's a huge part of my day and week; I have a husband that I want to see, and friends I want to talk to. And on top of all of that, I want to be able to make sensible choices that are good for me in terms of my relationship with food and moving my body.

To that end, I joined Sparkpeople.com, which so far has been a blessing in every way. It costs nothing, for one thing, and yet offers so much in terms of information, food and activity trackers, articles, and community. It reminds me a little of Weight Watchers, in that the community aspect is vital to success--although WW cost money, and required your time to attend meetings (and it cost extra if you wanted to access online features!). So here, you get that feeling without paying money and you can have it 24/7, whatever time of day or night you happen to need it. It also has the food and activity trackers, which are awesome in how specific they are. And the best feature, in my opinion, is the sister site, Sparkrecipes.com, which offers a recipe calculator--you enter in the ingredients and their amounts, tell it the number of servings, and it gives you a nutritional breakdown per serving. Absolutely brilliant. Why has no one thought of this before? (or at least offered it for free?)

And so, I'm on my journey once again. I've lost a little weight thus far, but I'm trying not to be results-oriented (though that's difficult). I have noticed how much more energy I have into the night, especially on Mondays and Tuesdays when I'm at work for so long. I find I have more energy going into a night class than some of my students who've been sleeping half the day, even though I've been at work 9 hours and counting! That's kind of fun.

One of the most interesting moments so far, though, happened just today. I had kind of a lousy start--I thought it would be a "snow day" (or technically an "ice day") because of the big storm passing through the area, but they didn't cancel. So I had to get up extra early because I knew the roads would be bad. Then, for some reason, breakfast really didn't fill me, and before I knew it, I was on one of my emotional eating spirals. Mind you, I have never been able to identify one AS it begins--usually I can only see it after I've gone through it and managed to eat my way through my kitchen, or a vending machine, or whatever. By then I've eaten myself nearly to sickness and regret every moment I just spent. Today, however, I actually caught myself. I listened to my body and it told me I wasn't hungry....I'd just eaten lunch, and it was a good, full lunch....it was my mind calling out for more, my mind that wanted appeasement. I could actually separate the sensations of being physically hungry and mentally/emotionally hungry. It was actually kind of surreal! I hope I can do it again next time this happens. Because I managed to keep my eating in check today, despite considerably bad odds, and I want to keep it up.

All Good Things

THEATER

Well, the curtain closed on Macbeth this Saturday. I'm going to miss hanging out with those folks...we had a rocking cast party at my house after strike. A good time was had by all, I think. I played my new role in the show as well as I could have hoped, although I thought the first night (Friday) went better than the second. It was a privilege to play it, though, and even more so considering that our dear Mychelle finally got to come and see the show on Saturday! She looks about ready to burst, and I can't wait to hear that little Molly has finally arrived.

And, as usual, now that a show is over, I have developed selective amnesia and have completely forgotten what a colossal time commitment it was--time away from friends, family, and life in general--and I'm looking ahead to what other shows I might want to be in. Whole Art is doing Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and are apparently auditioning for it in December. I wasn't sure anyone would want to cast me, with my two-nights-a-week class commitment, but my buddy Trevor said I might be surprised. So who knows, I might have a go. I may also try out for Little Women (the musical) at the Civic in the spring. This might be a more feasible way to go, since my classes end not too long into the rehearsal process and then I'm off for the entire summer.

POETRY

I've been keeping up with my submissions life lately, sending off to Compass Rose and their Pat Parnell Poetry Prize, and MARGIE's "Strong Rx Medicine" poetry prize as well. I'm still waiting to hear back from several others. I'm hoping that the long waits to hear back indicates some sort of promise, especially for the chapbook competitions....if I'd been weeded out early on in the reviewing process, maybe I would have heard already. Perhaps I'm still in the running!

In the meantime, I'm really working on full-length book ideas and construction. What that really is going to entail is a whole lot of new material. I have ideas floating around in my head, but I'm just not able to staple them down yet. Now that the play's over (assuming I don't dive headlong into another one), I'll be able to devote more time and energy to it.

See, this is the problem when you have too many hobbies that you love, and which both entail great amounts of time and effort.

A Revelation and Proposed Social Experiment

Last Sunday, I was hanging out in the green room at the Civic shortly after arriving. There's usually no rush to get into makeup or costumes (for one, the costumes are very, very warm), so often we sit out for a few minutes and socialize. I had worn my Super(wo)man t-shirt, one of those babydoll T's that, well, shows off my ampleness, to say the least. I realize this. I also realize that there is really no way of getting around my ampleness, short of wearing a circus tent. They're just there. They're on display 24-7. I've come to terms with it.

What I haven't come to terms with, however, is the seeming necessity of pointing it out. Or pointing them out, I should say. Comments fly left and right, particularly in the theater crowd--known for their perpetually loosened inhibitions. You'd think, after so many years of being involved in theater, music, and drum corps, that I would have become immune to it. But I haven't.

I used to think it was because I was sensitive about them. And maybe, years ago, this was true. Somewhere between the ages of 19 and 21, they exploded into even greater girth than they previously encompassed, which was a feat in and of itself (I've been the "big" girl since probably the early 90's). I became a D cup for the first time. And oh, did I cry. I really did.

I didn't like all the attention they got--I still don't. And the other night, after the comments I received in the green room (and of course laughed about at the time), I figured out why it bothers me so much. It's not that I'm still sensitive about their size or anything--like many other aspects of myself, I've grown into them and come to accept them as one part of a much greater whole. It's the fact that, in common social ettiquette, there is no analogous joking or commenting done on other body parts, male or female, to the person's face.

Example: One does not, in the course of a casual conversation, say, "wow, that's an enormous ass you've got there!"

Other off-limit body parts would include noses, ears, hair, elbows, pinky fingers, and anything else that's usually visible. When these parts are deformed or different in some way, we try not to say anything; we even try not to look at them (and then worriedly wonder if it's obvious that we're not looking, and so we look, and then we try not to look again because we fear we're looking too much). We try not to mention scars or moles or pimples, either. To do otherwise, we fear, would be horribly impolite. You never know who might be sensitive, or what unpleasant story lies behind that scar.

And most of all, one does not mention someone's obesity. To tell someone, to their face, that they are fat might be the worst social sin one could commit.

I have noticed, however, that people have no compunction about discussing my breasts. Something about their double-D glory causes inhibitions to slacken and tongues to wag (bah dum dum). And it doesn't seem anyone gives a passing thought to whether or not I appreciate it, want it, or if it might even hurt my feelings to have it pointed out that my chest size could be measured in relation to a small state. Because you see, I know it, realize it, and accept it; however, I do not want it to be a topic of conversation, any more than someone with goiter would like their goiter discussed in public.

I have noticed one other exception to the don't-talk-about-other-people's-appearances rule: a girlfriend of mine in college was incredibly thin, and she constantly got comments, jabs, jokes, and snide remarks about it. She was not anorexic (believe me, I saw her eat--no problem there), nor was she a workout fanatic. She just was what she was. And I could tell, sometimes, that she was as sensitive about it as I was about my respective physique. Sometimes I thought to be jealous of her for her thinness, but nowadays I realize it's just the other side of a coin. I feel the same way about men and the pressures they experience. So many women claim that men don't have any problems or worries when it comes to society's expectations of how they should look, and I for one find that to be complete bull. The men in my life have admitted to feeling pressure to look a certain way, even it's unrealistic for them to do so: pecs, that triangular torso, biceps....being meaty without being fat....et cetera.

And so: I may have developed a sense of humor and acceptance about my body's natural shape and size, but that doesn't mean I feel it's appropriate as a topic of conversation.

As for the social experiment, I think it would be interesting and enlightening to see what would happen if we all made the comments about each others' appearances that we think and currently don't say. I've often thought the world would be a better place if we all shared the positive things we think about each other and never say. How often have we thought, "I like her sweater" or "His hair looks nice today"? But then we don't say it, either because we're rushing or because we feel uncomfortable for some reason--maybe we don't know them well and we feel we'd be overstepping our relationship, or whatever. So what if we took all the social inhibitions away, and said what we actually thought at all times? Would the world be better--or would it become even more of a crushing existence than it already is? Or maybe, just maybe, we'd learn to think even more deeply before we spoke, voicing not our initial reactions but our completed thought process. For instance, "I like her sweater" could become "I haven't noticed the way she dressed before. Something must be different. I wonder what's happening in her life that might cause her to dress nicely today?" And then we would ask that question, thereby inviting her to share with us and thereby deepen our relationship.

Just sayin'.

THEATER
Update: I've been "promoted," so to speak. The woman playing Lady MacDuff has sort of quit/been removed (a little of both) from the show. Apparently she got a gig elsewhere that interfered with our final weekend of performances. And so they have asked me to step in and take her place. I will simultaneously be playing my original role (thankfully we don't have any scenes together--that would difficult and weird), which will lead to a small case of schizophrenia, but only for a couple of days. I'm excited to take the part, because it's a beautiful, emotionally rich scene (or emotionally magnificent, in the words of Michael Scott). It's too bad things had to work out that way, but hey--now I have a character with a name!

Musings on Friendship

This week, I had to approach a friend in a way that I really didn't want to....she's an old friend of mine, someone I've known since middle school, and due to some business dealings that we really shouldn't have done anyway (live and learn), she owes me a sum of money. I know that she's had a lot of stuff going on in her life....her son was diagnosed with some serious health problems, and her husband joined the army and will be deployed soon (plus, they had to move out of the state). So I've been really trying to just keep it on the DL and not pressure her, because I know how hard it is to try to deal with other things when so much else is on the table.

This does not, however, change the fact that we were really not well at all financially on this end....this time last year, we were struggling to make ends meet. Much crackers and peanut butter were eaten in lieu of real meals. It's a wonder our credit scores haven't plummeted to lower dimension of existence. Somehow, we managed. But of course, this builds resentment if one doesn't keep it in perspective....the whole "how DARE you take me for granted, after all I kept my mouth shut when I could have used that money to live on" deal.

Thankfully, we're finally re-establishing communications and I think we'll be getting somewhere soon. I'm really excited, most of all, to get our friendship back. I have learned a valuable lesson (although I should have learned it long ago)--friends and money don't mix. It's just a bad idea. That's why I sometimes shake my head at how willingly so many people move in with friends, or significant others. Especially significant others, actually. Until you've actually made the commitment to be together on a more life-long basis, you're still just basically rooming with a friend--and things have the opportunity to go really sour, really fast. That's not to say things can't go sour and get financially messy after you're married--but then at least legally, you have much more obvious recourse (and in fact, obligation). I've found, since being married, that there's just this sense of long-haul mentality that wasn't there before. I mean, it was, but it wasn't. Of course we talked about the future and made plans and all of that....but nowadays, it seems like, since we both have our minds made up to make this work, we just do. Make it work, I mean. In terms of money and everything else, too.

I'm just happy that my friend and I seem to be on the verge of putting this behind us. I feel bad for ever letting it come between us at all, although at the time it seemed like a good thing to do. I should have known better, but that's what life is for: figuring out all the things you should have known better, so that when you're presented with them again, you do know better.

THEATER
During our Sunday matinee show of Macbeth, our trap broke. A very interesting time was had by all. This was during the last scene of the first half, right before intermission....with about four to five burly men on it. It didn't plummet, so it's not like anyone was afraid for their lives, but nevertheless, it made the rest of the scene more complicated. It also meant that, after we were able to push it up to its somewhat normal position and bolster it so it wouldn't sink again, we could no longer use it for the rest of the show. Fortunately, we only had one more scene where it was used, and that was just for a scene change--which we then did by hand instead. More heavy lifting, but that's the price you pay. It's a good thing it should happen to day--rather than, say, Thursday--because we don't have another show till next Friday. Hopefully by then it will be fixed. If not, we'll have some interesting end-of-run blocking changes for some folks.

HEALTH
This weekend wasn't great for my 30 day commitment. However, it was only a couple days all told, and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. This week is going to be so lovely--not having to be at the theater every night means I'll get to cook a couple meals! Real food! And time for working out as well. Today, Ryan and I took a bike ride together on the Portage Bicentennial Trail--we probably did about 8 miles, all told, if you include the biking we had to do to get to the head of the trail and back. It felt so wonderful to be out in the open air on what may be one of the last mild, temperate days of the year. It felt so ennervating, the wind rushing against my face and my body moving constantly. It made me think about the difference between exhaustion and tiredness....to me, of late, exhaustion has been a mental/emotional state of being, that feeling where you simply cannot endure thought. You sleep for escape, not rejuvenation; generally, you wake up feeling not a whole lot better than you did when you went to bed, except that your body needs a fresh shot of caffeine. On the other hand, tiredness is the result of actual physical exertion....the glorious feeling of having done something, having used all your muscles and tendons and various parts to accomplish something, and now they all need their rest. I know I'm going to tumble into bed tonight feeling so much more grateful for sleep than I have in a long while.

Blogging More Regularly--A Challenge

Some of you (you know, all two who read this) may have noticed my lapse in posting for the last several months. I apologize for the absenteeism and vow to make it up to you by attempting to post at least once a day for 30 days. I'm at a point in my life right now where I really feel I need to be journaling daily, for my sanity's sake, and this is a fine place to do it.

WORK
This is something that's been both a blessing and a curse for me lately. I started full time teaching at the Holland location of Davenport University--definitely a blessing! The pay, the benefits, and the joy of having "a room of one's own"--an office with a door--are all fantastic. I do miss working in Grand Rapids with Joe, but Diana is awesome and we've found we have a great deal in common.

It's an interesting switch for me in terms of the demographic of students I teach. I'm used to the older, "non-traditional" student--which again, could be positive or negative, depending on the individual (of course, the same could probably be said of anyone). The older students tended to be more focused and mature, although at times it was a struggle because their skills were so far behind, and their discomfort with being back in school after so long was tough to deal with. Additionally, they sometimes seemed to look down on me, at least at first, because they did not expect me to be so young. I'd like to think I proved myself capable to them--we got along, at any rate, by the end.

Now I teach students that are more "traditional"--average college age, late teens to early twenties, and while I appreciate that they are still in "school" mode for the most part, they come with their own set of difficulties. Lately I've had troubles with students who are young and aggressive--openly questioning or even criticizing me. Confrontational people have always been a sticking point for me in terms of how to deal, and it doesn't feel good to be in a position of authority and have my charges be rude. At least if this was high school, I could suspend them or something. I'm not really sure about my recourse right now--still working on it.

It makes me reassess the old notion of "turn the other cheek"--something I never fully understood. I do get it on some level--that some things just aren't worth fighting about. Someone you don't know gives you the finger? Who cares? But on the other hand, there may also be merit to calling a spade a spade, and standing up for oneself. But what do in this situation? Being the softy I am, I'm inclined to pull people aside and ask them to talk about their feelings. I'm not sure if that would work here, necessarily, but on the other hand, maybe that's exactly what they need from someone who's in charge of even one little fraction of their lives. Maybe no one has ever approached them in that way.

I have noticed that some students' outwardly mulish behavior sometimes masks an inward shame or fear of inadequacy. I had a student who, on one occasion when it was only us and a couple of other students in the room, openly expressed his dislike for the class (basic comp.) and his desire that it would just be over soon. I made a pithy joke about being wounded, and we all laughed, but afterwards I took him aside and asked him what was wrong. He said he was frustrated; he didn't feel like he knew how to write well, how to put his thoughts on paper. It made me think of my own frustrations when I don't comprehend something--as someone who feels pretty competent in most areas of life, it's a really issue for me when I set about to do something and find myself unable to do it successfully. I mean, it REALLY bothers me. So why shouldn't it bother someone else just as much? We all like to think we're capable and intelligent, and we all have a tendency at times to equate that capability and intelligence with performance--therefore, when something isn't going according to plan, we feel like our very selves are being challenged. The problem is, I don't think a lot of people make the leap between feeling the frustration and properly identifying and dealing with it. Blame is so much quicker, so much more efficient, than examining the self and changing approaches or habits. So we blame teachers, we even blame whole subjects ("I hate English!"). But oh, how that holds us back.

So I'm loving the new job, and yet am very challenged by it (et tu, me?). I'll keep you updated. Interestingly enough, when the young man in question vocalized his frustration, I told him that his work was certainly good as a foundation, and just needed refinement--which is true. He didn't look like he quite believed me, but since then, he's been a lot more engaged in class, and hasn't made any more negative comments. Hm.

THEATER
Macbeth opened last weekend, and continues into the last weekend of October. We got a nasty review in the Gazette (and no, I'm not giving you the link), but honestly, I think the lady was mistaken in her assessment. We've put on a great show, and not without our share of obstacles. Our director, the luminous Mychelle Hopkins, has been on bed rest with her pregnancy since before we began rehearsing, so Zac Thompson (also luminous, in a manly way), has stepped in as Assistant Director, as well as playing his role as MacDuff. We also lost our Banquo a couple weeks before opening, although fortunately our fight director stepped in without missing a beat. Our set's gorgeous, our fight choreography is thrilling, and even the critic herself said we're "very emotionally committed to [our] roles." God, I love Shakespeare! It feels good on my tongue; I love its rhythms, its sound play.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
creeps in this petty pace from day to day
to the last syllable of recorded time,
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle;
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
who struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. It is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.

Haunting, absolutely haunting. I have the honor of being on the stage with Max Hardy when he delivers this soliloquy (which is not, technically, a soliloquy, as he's sharing the stage with several other people) and, if I were not already crying as part of my character, I bet it would make me cry anyway. Max has done a stellar job as Macbeth, and as someone pointed out in our audience talk-back session last weekend, delivering this soliloquy as something that combines remorse, grief, anger, blame, and nihilism, rather than its usual existential stateliness, gives it new life. And speaking of tears: MacDuff's scene in Act IV, when he learns of his family's slaughter. Zac's delivery is flawless. I can't see it, because I'm backstage waiting for my entrance, but even hearing it moves me. I hear the thud as he hits his knees in anguish, and that's all it takes.

As usual, when a play begins its final lap, I'm exhausted and overstimulated, but I find that I never, ever regret participating. Even with all the time it consumes, which is time away from my husband, from other social functions, and from just quiet time with myself--it's always worth it. But I've committed to really focusing on auditioning for shows that I absolutely love and want to be a part of--shows that will allow me to grow and change as an actor.

WRITING
Speaking of theater taking time away from things--I haven't been writing as much as I've intended lately, although I did create a calendar for myself with all the things I want to submit my writing to. Hopefully this will keep me on task--having deadlines and so forth. I have so many projects tumbling around in my head--long ones, short ones, even multimedia ones. Those who attended the New England College MFA program with me will recognize my preoccupation with Grass Lake, MI--home of Ryan's grandfather's farm. It's been a sad six years that I've watched what was a rolling hillside of farm land slowly become paved and lit with fluorescent lighting. Ryan's taken pictures at almost every available opportunity, and so we can even see how it changes from time to time. It'd be neat to have this almost egfrastic poetry collection about it, or just one poem that's sectioned.