Old Journals = Ripe Nostalgia

Do you ever go back and reread something you wrote a long time ago? I found one of my old journals, the one from a few years back that I wrote in between 2001 and 2003. In my journals, I usually don't chronicle events as much as just let my mind meander and THINK about the events. And it was like walking around, say in a mall, and noticing a reflection in a window or mirror and saying, "wow, look at that person! She/he looks really awesome!" and then realizing, it's you! Kind of the same equivalent. There were a lot of good lessons I learned over those years, and I'm glad I wrote them down, because of course by now they've been bumped to the back of my mind, and now they're back in the front, where arguably they should be all the time.

Of particular note were the sections I wrote when I had just started my job at the church.....June of 2001.....rar! I had quit a temp job elsewhere to take the permanent position the church was offering me. They had advertised it as a creative position. After working there for three and a half years, I still fail to see where the creativity bit came into play, unless you count finding creative ways to nicely tell people to shove it so that they won't notice. I went down there today--Teressa, my replacement, finally broke down and called me to come and fix the voice mail system--and noticed she was getting a little harried. A month or two ago she was fine, when I called to get insurance stuff squared away. Now it's a different story. She mentioned they'd been hassling her about the voice mail and (although she didn't say this, it was pretty clear) making her feel incompetent. I just knew exactly what she was going through. I started that job bright eyed and enthusiastic, and within six months I knew this wasn't what it was cracked up to be. I mean, if you look at what I wrote in my journal, I thought this was an awesome, unique place to work. Now I can't believe I stayed there so long.

I ran into Sarah Storbeck at Meijer's yesterday, which was nice. She seems very busy, but since she doesn't live far from me we exchanged phone numbers and hopefully we'll get together sometime soon. I'm under the impression she works a lot. So I guess this is like the week (or two) of running into/talking to people you haven't seen or talked to in a long time!

I was bummed on out Saturday that I didn't get to go see Cabaret at Albion, when I'd already gotten tickets. I got a migraine--great timing--and Aimee, who was going to go with me, has laryngitis or something--at any rate, she can't talk at all....so we just didn't go, and stayed in our respective homes and tried to entertain ourselves. I'd been looking forward to it all week too. My SAI girls were really wanting me to come. It's all they talked about when I visited the chapter in January.

And I am, of course, writing this when I should be on the phone booking appointments, but of course I'm slacking. It's too cold in here to concentrate! It's been snowing all day. Okay, if I get my work done I can finish that SNL Best of Christopher Walken DVD Kevin got us. That's my reward. :)

Today I went to meet up with Beth for our "writer's workshop." Which is really where we get together, maybe share some writing, and mostly just talk over tasty beverages at Water Street. Actually I'd say today we were quite focused. We're looking to get new members into the group, because the bulk of them currently don't reside within driving distance of Kalamazoo (we have a Yahoo group so that most anyone can participate by posting their work and receiving comments that way). There are other writing groups in the area, of course, but we've both been in and out of those and never found anything quite to our flavor. So we started our own!

I'm also geeked out because next weekend we're going to my brother's house to hang out with them--it was my dad's and my brother's birthday in February, and my parents are celebrating their anniversary in early March, so we're going to do a mass sleepover celebration-thing. Aaaaand I get to hang out with Zachary and be an auntie. :) Apparently he found their trip to Florida very stimulating and has been talking a lot since. Hard to believe he's almost 2 1/2 now....that that much time has passed....it was 2002 when he was born, I wasn't even signed up to run the marathon in Alaska, and hadn't even gone to Ireland with Stef yet (he was born on October 10, and I believe I left maybe a week or two later). Seems like ages ago. Speaking of trips with Stef, that reminds me, I think she and Laura are planning something fun for this spring for the three of us. Nothing for sure yet, but it'd be awesome to take like a road trip with them or something. Dana and Ryan are going on a brother-sister road trip at the end of March, on her spring break, and I wish I could go, but this is their sibling bonding time and I wouldn't want to interfere with that. Something tells me she needs time with her big brother, just the two of them. I think a lot of learning will come of it, from her.

Even though I can remember what it was like to be 17-18 years old and about to graduate high school, it's hard to put myself in her shoes with the way things are these days. It just seems like a different world. And unfortunately, all she wants to do is party, which isn't scoring her any points with her parents. Now that I can't remember ever wanting to do. I just wasn't a partier--still not, really. I like getting together with friends and just hanging out, but in 4 years of college I really honestly never went to a single frat party. The scene just never appealed to me. Never felt like drinking till I puked and calling it a "good time," certainly never felt like doing any other kinds of substances (although there was that fateful night that I hung out at TKE--not for a party, just with some friends--and I didn't really understand at the time how marijuana works, how you can get high without actually smoking it if you breathe in second-hand smoke...yeah, that was pretty).

And I must somewhat apologize for the recent rant about friendship--even though I stand by what I said, I was having kind of a "moment" there where I was a bit overwrought. I've been dealing with the same feelings for the last few years, in bits and pieces. It came to a small head during the wedding planning, when I was picking bridesmaids and finalizing the guest list....who do you invite? When you have a size limitation because of space and because of money (to be honest), how do you prioritize? Do you invite the people who were important to you, or the people who are now? Or the people you wish were still important to you, even if you've drifted apart? It's agonizing, I tell you, agonizing. Ryan looks at it pretty sensibly, but then again he's older, been out of school longer, so I guess things get clearer as you go on. I was, and am, still kind of attached to "those times." Not exactly in a glory-days kind of way, because really it feels like every year since just gets better and better, but with some nostalgia still. He feels more okay than me with letting people go, if it appears that's the direction they want to head. Like...if it's clearly one-sided....then it really isn't anything, is it? No matter what came before. I see the truth in it, know it's the right thing, even if it's saddening to me.

I sent out my first packet for school--yikes--don't know why I'm so nervous about it, but there you go. I looked over some of my poems with Beth today and clearly see where I could stand to improve them. Sometimes you just need that second set of eyes, even though Beth's not a "poetry" person--it still helps. She's pretty astute.

Off to a birthday party at Jon and Melissa's!