Thursday, November 16, 2006

What Sort of Animal Do I Remind You Of?

Love to the Betts who so kindly posted about me on her blog (I will repost that later, as it is written I should), but her words lit a fire under me. Or in me. One of the two.

I know that I have a tendency to balance out whoever I'm with, personality-wise. I get shyer around bolder people, and vice versa. I don't know why this is....maybe my neverending, somewhat pathetic desire to not cause conflict. I'll just be what they're not, I'll be yin if they're yang, and we'll all be happy.

Not so much anymore.

I don't want to be thought of as a lamb (bless you Betts--I know you love me and meant nothing by it, but I gotta say). I respect my friend who said this SO MUCH, and she is such a strong, powerful woman. I say enough of balancing. I know that I'm strong too, and I want everyone else to see it.

Which is not to say that I won't be vulnerable. There's just no way around that. I yam what I yam. But I don't always show who/what I am, especially around folks that are already showing it. I've got to fight for what I want. And here's what I want:

1. I want to publish a book. More would be better.

2. I want a tenure-track teaching position at a good college or university.

3. I want to be well-known and respected in the field.

and it's interesting that she should write this now, as I realized in my own writing that who I really am was not showing through in my work. I then went ahead to write "The Deepening" which will be appearing in my manuscript. A delving into myself, a digging myself out of hiding.

A lamb I may be. But I'm a lamb with teeth.