Blocked at Every Turn

I know I said I would be blogging more, and believe me, I've tried. The most frequent place I blog is at work, when I'm in a class and the students are working on a project. But for the last two weeks the DU network hasn't allowed me access to the site, saying it's a "potential phishing risk" or something....and then the time I tried to blog at home, it came back as the website undergoing routine maintenance. Grr! So here I am now. Apparently DU thinks this is an okay site again, because I am in class. *shrug*

HEALTH, YOGA, TEACHING, AND LOTS OF OTHER TOSH
Well, my recommitment to me so far has been going pretty well. I haven't lost as much weight as I would have liked to, but I'm trying to make it not about that. I have been doing yoga with real regularity, and meditating too, and I feel like it's really helped me in terms of emotional/mental balance and physical energy.

I read an article on Yoga Journal about eating, and how craving foods (particularly sweets) is a symbol of attachment, of obsession, and can knock off your balance. I had never thought about it that way, but I know that it's true now that I think about it. It seems blasphemous to me to not have some kind of dessert with my meal. But truthfully, it's not necessary or even always good. I equated it to the interview I read with Rodney Yee, who explained that sometimes being a teacher can cause you to become dependent on students' praise and flattery....you help them achieve something, and they get all excited about you and say what a good teacher you are (as if you could actually take credit for what they do), but the downside is, once that praise is gone, you're left feeling empty. You constantly search for the next "fix" of praise. Just as I constantly search for the next sweet taste. But what that does is take away your sense of balance and poise....you can't just know you're a good teacher intrinsically. You have to be told. And heaven forbid someone tells you you're not a good teacher.

And as a teacher (not of yoga, but in general) I also feel that way. I feel so gratified when a student expresses their positive feelings about my teaching style, my personality, the class, etc. that it sometimes feels lacking if I go for awhile without hearing any praise. And it cuts to the bone when someone expresses negative feelings towards me, towards my class--even towards my subject in general. That's not balance. That's attaching my sense of self-worth and value on something outside me. And it can only come from me. Only.

THEATER
They announced the new season for the Civic, and it sounds great. They're doing Cyrano in the fall, and I full intend to get cast in that show. *wink* Only one female role? Pshaw!

I'm also intending to try out for Pirates of Penzance, which Kindleberger is doing this summer. For the first time in years, I can actually participate in Kindleberger! Hooray! I've never done outdoor theater, so it should be a fun, new experience.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I thought I should report it anyway. I was on my way to work one Wednesday morning, and I'd gotten to the place just south of Hamilton where M-40 widens to four lanes (a blessing for those of us who hate getting caught behind the "Hurry Courier Service" car who goes as much as 20 mph under the speedlimit....hurry, indeed....). It's very busy at that point in the road. And as I approached it, I saw two dogs in the road. In fairness, there was about a foot of snow on the ground, so it's not like they had a lot of options about where to walk....but they conveniently chose the middle of the road, rather than the safer option of the shoulder. They were also completely unafraid of cars or honking, and in fact seemed like they wanted to go up to the cars who would slow down for them. Sadly, not a lot of people were slowing down, and that angered me....I mean, if you can't be bothered to think about the life of an animal, worry about your car! These were both large dogs, lab-sized or bigger, and would probably really do some damage to your front end if you hit them. But some people are just both callous and shortsighted, I guess.

So I stopped and called them over, and they came without hesitation....such sweet dogs, these two. It was obvious they had once belonged to someone; they loved people and even knew their commands a little bit. I diverted them (thankfully, a woman stopped and helped me who had dog treats and other accoutrements in her car) and Animal Control picked them up.

Well, then I learned that the county Animal Shelter routinely put animals down....they're just too small and can't handle the volume, so animals don't stick around for long if they aren't claimed or adopted. I was horrified. I couldn't imagine putting down such sweet dogs, and I don't even like dogs! I had every intention of adopting them myself and then finding homes for them personally, if no one else did. As it turned out, two separate rescue organizations took each of them, so I didn't have to resort to extremes. But I followed their progress all the way through, and now they'll be safe, happy, and in a home as opposed to Death Row.

It really makes me consider getting more involved in animal issues....I understand that county shelters have to make do with what they have, and if they don't have space....they have to do what they have to do. So why don't they get more funding to build bigger facilities? This is something I may address, since I will soon be an Allegan county resident....

Speaking of which.....

HOME BUYING
Our closing date is set: March 26! We will take possession on the 29th and begin moving then. Our official "big move" date is April 5, but throughout that week we'll be in and out, moving smaller things and painting, etc. to get ready for the rest of our stuff. It seems so strange to think it's only a matter of weeks away. 3 weeks from tomorrow!

POETRY
I realized something important this past week while I was on spring break in regards to my poetry. I'd been getting pretty frustrated, not just at my lack of output, but by the fact that what I have put out seems to be coming back without results. The frustration I felt reminded me of the same frustration (mixed with a healthy dose of self-doubt) that I felt for the last five years or so, trying to get cast in plays at the Civic. Literally, five years and no casting. Granted, I didn't try out for every play available, but I did audition at least once or twice a season as my schedule allowed, and no luck. This stood in direct contrast to the praise I'd received after my first show there from the illustrious Jim Carver (whom I saw, recently, at the Civic season-announcement party--it was so good to see him!).

So after I didn't get initially cast in The Women, I asked Preston, who was directing that show, what I could be doing differently in auditions to bring better results. Obviously I didn't need him to explain himself and why specifically he didn't cast me, but I wanted to know what I might be doing that was putting me in the slush pile. He said that while I read as well as anyone, I hadn't made myself "memorable" in comparison to all the others who auditioned with me (particularly for that show--he must have seen at least 75-100 women and girls). So, in other words, good, but not exciting, not enough to etch myself into the memory of the director. I took his words to heart, and, when I auditioned for Macbeth, I went over the top. And what do you know? I got cast.

That made me think of what Bob AuFrance, who directed me in Picnic my senior year at Albion said. He told me, "Remember, they [the audience] come to see you bleed." In other words, they don't pay money for a ticket to see something bland--they come to see your heart soar or break, so they can feel along with you--almost a voyeuristic/vicarious situation. And that made sense to me at the time, and it still does.

So, turning that same logic on my poetry, I can see where the poems I've been sending in are not bad, not thoroughly rejectable (as, in my darker moments, I imagine them to be), but simply not memorable. When a contest receives hundreds of entries, you absolutely need to stand out from the rest. You achieve that by "bleeding," so to speak, on the page. Letting your gut write the poem, not your head....your head can polish it, but your gut has to write it.

This (and a deadline) inspired me to revisit a poem I'd written probably a year and a half ago, during my semester with Alicia Ostriker. It was a poem about my dad's knee replacement surgery. I'd never been happy with it--it felt lackluster, bland, and emotionless. So I went back and bled all over it, figuratively speaking. *grin* But seriously--I allowed the real crux of the issue surface. Not the literal happening--oh, he had a knee replacement, it's a really grueling procedure, and he's in pain now, isn't that sad....but OH. He's my dad, we signed him up for this thinking it would help and it didn't, and now his pain is my pain, and not just that--all the drugs and their side effects, the feeling like this is a horrible carnival ride we can't get off of now, the heartbreak of it. I won't post it here because it is up for consideration at an online poetry journal, but rest assured, you'll see it there when it comes out. :)

Day Two

HEALTH
Today is Day 2 of my 30 days. Yesterday went fairly well. I did manage to get in 30 min. of yoga despite coming home late and tired. It did feel good to go to bed after that....rather than stampeding into bed, to quietly relax myself to into it. I think I got a deeper sleep.

I've been following my meal plan, more or less....some adjustments made, as it was planned out two weeks ago and sometimes the planning wasn't great--running out of this or that--so I've had to adjust, but I've done what I can and I've stayed within my guidelines anyway. So kudos to me. :)

TEACHING
Had an interesting day today at school. Last week, I sort of laid the smack down on a student who, in my opinion, had really dropped the ball. Granted, it wasn't really a huge problem--the amount of work he was missing wasn't actually going to affect his grade very much, but I wanted to make a point. He had emailed some assignments to me--not telling me that he was doing that, and then not checking in when he didn't hear from me. When it came to light that he had, fact, emailed me, I told him I wouldn't accept them since they are now quite late, as per my late policy.

Well, let's just say he wasn't happy with that.

And I want to say, I have a soft spot for this student. I think he's a smart kid who is capable of a lot, but he's not living up to it. All the more reason why I really wanted him to get the message on this one.

Needless to say, he got upset enough to contact my supervisor, who in turn contacted me. She was with me on the issue, but since I never specified in my syllabus about the email process, never made policies saying that you have to do it this way, and this part is my responsibility and this part is yours...etc. then I can't hold him to anything. So the obvious step now is to make a policy as an addendum to all of my syllabi, and include it from now on....but the second step is to deal with this student.

It was just a little upsetting, because I had felt really good and really strong about that exchange....I think I blogged about it last week....I felt like I'd finally stood up and been the teacher I wanted to be. Not unkind, but not a pushover either. *shrug* It was just weird that it should work out that way. But I'm not taking it as a deterrent....I will keep my head up and keep doing what I know is right. I accept no unearned guilt.

30 Days

I've made a decision: tomorrow begins a new 30-day challenge for me. I've sort of "fallen off the wagon," so to speak, in terms of my attention to myself and my health. So I'm clambering back on.

What prompted this thought was the remembrance of how it felt when I was really paying attention. Not just to things like calories and minutes of activity, but to myself. To my body. What it wants, what it needs, and recognizing the difference between the two. I'm already trying to figure out what it is about my relationship with food that causes me to want to secretly pig out and hide the evidence (although eventually the evidence becomes apparent on my hips). I heard on an informational radio show a tip to parents, saying "let your child serve him or herself at mealtimes. They'll naturally gravitate towards portion sizes that suit them in terms of their hunger and their nutritional needs." And my first thought was, when did that disappear for me? I can't remember a time when I didn't look at food and think MORE!

However, I know that greediness does not respond to restriction. The more I disallow, the more likely I am to break down eventually and eat myself sick. I have to find a happy medium between a rigid, pre-planned meal list and the ability to choose what I feel like eating. I need choices. But above all, I need to learn how to listen to my body and not the little voice inside that wants to hoard and binge. My physical self knows when it's hungry, and how much food will satisfy it. I need to find that voice.

To that end, I'm going to be incorporating daily meditation, and often journalling and/or blogging here as I go. Daily time to be with myself and listen deeply. Because I think what really needs to be addressed is my thought process, those voices inside--some of which are currently louder than others.

So, follow along with my journey, if you will! Hopefully you find some nuggets you can hold on to, too. You can also watch me on Sparkpeople as I track and journal there; my screen name is issa1010.

Here's to 30 days of focus!

Mish-Mash

HOLIDAYS
It's been awhile since I blogged, so here's the lowdown on the holidays. For Thanksgiving, we did the actual holiday with Ryan's cousin's family, who lives in town. It was a pretty okay time, although it was weird not seeing Bob and Carol there, and there were considerably more small children underfoot. Interesting how families grow that way. One positive thing that came out of it was my introduction to Karaoke Revolution for PS2, which was a hoot and a half. I really have to get that! Now, what would be great would be if they could combine Dance Dance Revolution AND Karaoke Revolution.....whew....

When Thanksgiving weekend hit, we went to my parents' house. I was glad to see my brother and his family, including my two amazing nephews. We weren't sure if they were going to be able to come--they've been really busy and stretched thin since my sister-in-law's dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. But they braved a day with us. I couldn't believe how big Brenden has gotten! He's seven months old, but wearing year-old clothes and rapidly growing out of them...

For Christmas, we're probably just going to hang with my parents again. We probably won't see Abe and Tracie and the kids until after the New Year. It will be nice to have a relaxing holiday....I fail to see how running around all the time really puts anyone in the holiday spirit.

THEATER
It's kind of redundant for me to put this here, since the long and short of it is that I've decided to abstain from theater for awhile. I didn't audition for Virginia Woolf or anything at the Civic, either--I decided that my sense of balance and well-being was too fragile right now to endure another rigorous rehearsal process. Plus, I can't say that I truly love any of the shows being auditioned right now. Virginia Woolf is more like a trainwreck I can't look away from--I'm intrigued, even repulsed, but it's not something I would love for the sake of doing it. I would really just enjoy the people I'd be doing it with. So a little break for me. Meanwhile, my friend Beth is auditioning for the Civic's Shakespeare in Hollywood, which is one I really want to see when it opens! Wahoo!

NANO
I finished!
50,131/50,000 (according to the NaNo word counter...my own count says over 50,200. But oh well)

SCHOOL
The semester is coming to a close. Finals are next week in all of my classes. It's hard to believe it's gone by. Five whole classes! And now they're done. I will probably get to see a lot of my PLATO and Basic Comp. students again in higher-level classes--a lot of them have been telling me they're registered with me for winter. I think it's awesome that they are excited about that--I don't have the heart to point out that I teach most of the classes at this campus now, so it's not like they have a whole lot of choice. ;)

I did have my 30-day evaluation just before Thanksgiving, and it went very well. Really, there wasn't much to say! I overachieved, like usual, with my goals sheet and even in creating a sheet that detailed some non-goal-related achievements--stuff more related to my attitude and willingness. Diana said she's happy with what I've accomplished, and I'm glad for that.

Lately I find myself struggling with the students who are not attentive and/or constantly try to get out of doing actual work. Believe it or not, this is not most of the students (as cynical minds would have you believe). Really, just a few. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Partly I think, "well, you've paid your money to get the time with me. And if this is how you want to spend it, so be it. It's your dime." So that part of me wants to just let them go about their merry ways and if they fail, or get a grade they don't like, that's their deal.

On the other hand, part of me really wants to whip these people into some shape--to knock it into their heads that this is not acceptable, and disrespectful to me. That's what gets me so worked up--it is disrespectful to the teacher, and on my less-than-100% days, I respond to it that way. I don't like that I do; I'd like to think that I'm above that. But I also remember that the teachers I respected most in high school and college were the ones that demanded excellence, and you really needn't bother showing up for class unprepared and unwilling to work. It just wasn't accepted.

I wonder if the two attitudes are not entirely mutually exclusive....can I do both? Be firm and yet detached? Someone mentioned the other day somewhere about the Buddhist tenet of not forming attachments--to things, to people, to ideas, to outcomes. But to be peaceful in whatever you do. That makes sense to me on some level, but I have no idea how to achieve it!

Meanwhile, I've been reading Alfie Kohn again--this time about his take on grades, standardized testing, and what our schools need to be for students to really thrive (he focuses on K-12, although I see a lot of his theories as applicable to higher education as well). I'm wondering how I might incorporate some of those strategies into my classrooms next term. What if there were no tests, no grades, and everything was about the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake? If students were allowed to explore what actually interested them within a field, creating their own structure that they controlled? A deeply engrained neural pathway or two in my brain objects to this, saying that it would be chaos, but then again, I'm not so sure. And can there be a balance between imposed structure (what I'm telling them they have to do) and self-created structure?

HEALTH
Since Thanksgiving, I've really rededicated myself to my own personal health and well-being. Part of this is weight loss, but another, possibly even more significant part, is just learning how to balance. I have a sort-of new job that takes a lot of time, and has a lengthy commute, so that's a huge part of my day and week; I have a husband that I want to see, and friends I want to talk to. And on top of all of that, I want to be able to make sensible choices that are good for me in terms of my relationship with food and moving my body.

To that end, I joined Sparkpeople.com, which so far has been a blessing in every way. It costs nothing, for one thing, and yet offers so much in terms of information, food and activity trackers, articles, and community. It reminds me a little of Weight Watchers, in that the community aspect is vital to success--although WW cost money, and required your time to attend meetings (and it cost extra if you wanted to access online features!). So here, you get that feeling without paying money and you can have it 24/7, whatever time of day or night you happen to need it. It also has the food and activity trackers, which are awesome in how specific they are. And the best feature, in my opinion, is the sister site, Sparkrecipes.com, which offers a recipe calculator--you enter in the ingredients and their amounts, tell it the number of servings, and it gives you a nutritional breakdown per serving. Absolutely brilliant. Why has no one thought of this before? (or at least offered it for free?)

And so, I'm on my journey once again. I've lost a little weight thus far, but I'm trying not to be results-oriented (though that's difficult). I have noticed how much more energy I have into the night, especially on Mondays and Tuesdays when I'm at work for so long. I find I have more energy going into a night class than some of my students who've been sleeping half the day, even though I've been at work 9 hours and counting! That's kind of fun.

One of the most interesting moments so far, though, happened just today. I had kind of a lousy start--I thought it would be a "snow day" (or technically an "ice day") because of the big storm passing through the area, but they didn't cancel. So I had to get up extra early because I knew the roads would be bad. Then, for some reason, breakfast really didn't fill me, and before I knew it, I was on one of my emotional eating spirals. Mind you, I have never been able to identify one AS it begins--usually I can only see it after I've gone through it and managed to eat my way through my kitchen, or a vending machine, or whatever. By then I've eaten myself nearly to sickness and regret every moment I just spent. Today, however, I actually caught myself. I listened to my body and it told me I wasn't hungry....I'd just eaten lunch, and it was a good, full lunch....it was my mind calling out for more, my mind that wanted appeasement. I could actually separate the sensations of being physically hungry and mentally/emotionally hungry. It was actually kind of surreal! I hope I can do it again next time this happens. Because I managed to keep my eating in check today, despite considerably bad odds, and I want to keep it up.

Musings on Friendship

This week, I had to approach a friend in a way that I really didn't want to....she's an old friend of mine, someone I've known since middle school, and due to some business dealings that we really shouldn't have done anyway (live and learn), she owes me a sum of money. I know that she's had a lot of stuff going on in her life....her son was diagnosed with some serious health problems, and her husband joined the army and will be deployed soon (plus, they had to move out of the state). So I've been really trying to just keep it on the DL and not pressure her, because I know how hard it is to try to deal with other things when so much else is on the table.

This does not, however, change the fact that we were really not well at all financially on this end....this time last year, we were struggling to make ends meet. Much crackers and peanut butter were eaten in lieu of real meals. It's a wonder our credit scores haven't plummeted to lower dimension of existence. Somehow, we managed. But of course, this builds resentment if one doesn't keep it in perspective....the whole "how DARE you take me for granted, after all I kept my mouth shut when I could have used that money to live on" deal.

Thankfully, we're finally re-establishing communications and I think we'll be getting somewhere soon. I'm really excited, most of all, to get our friendship back. I have learned a valuable lesson (although I should have learned it long ago)--friends and money don't mix. It's just a bad idea. That's why I sometimes shake my head at how willingly so many people move in with friends, or significant others. Especially significant others, actually. Until you've actually made the commitment to be together on a more life-long basis, you're still just basically rooming with a friend--and things have the opportunity to go really sour, really fast. That's not to say things can't go sour and get financially messy after you're married--but then at least legally, you have much more obvious recourse (and in fact, obligation). I've found, since being married, that there's just this sense of long-haul mentality that wasn't there before. I mean, it was, but it wasn't. Of course we talked about the future and made plans and all of that....but nowadays, it seems like, since we both have our minds made up to make this work, we just do. Make it work, I mean. In terms of money and everything else, too.

I'm just happy that my friend and I seem to be on the verge of putting this behind us. I feel bad for ever letting it come between us at all, although at the time it seemed like a good thing to do. I should have known better, but that's what life is for: figuring out all the things you should have known better, so that when you're presented with them again, you do know better.

THEATER
During our Sunday matinee show of Macbeth, our trap broke. A very interesting time was had by all. This was during the last scene of the first half, right before intermission....with about four to five burly men on it. It didn't plummet, so it's not like anyone was afraid for their lives, but nevertheless, it made the rest of the scene more complicated. It also meant that, after we were able to push it up to its somewhat normal position and bolster it so it wouldn't sink again, we could no longer use it for the rest of the show. Fortunately, we only had one more scene where it was used, and that was just for a scene change--which we then did by hand instead. More heavy lifting, but that's the price you pay. It's a good thing it should happen to day--rather than, say, Thursday--because we don't have another show till next Friday. Hopefully by then it will be fixed. If not, we'll have some interesting end-of-run blocking changes for some folks.

HEALTH
This weekend wasn't great for my 30 day commitment. However, it was only a couple days all told, and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. This week is going to be so lovely--not having to be at the theater every night means I'll get to cook a couple meals! Real food! And time for working out as well. Today, Ryan and I took a bike ride together on the Portage Bicentennial Trail--we probably did about 8 miles, all told, if you include the biking we had to do to get to the head of the trail and back. It felt so wonderful to be out in the open air on what may be one of the last mild, temperate days of the year. It felt so ennervating, the wind rushing against my face and my body moving constantly. It made me think about the difference between exhaustion and tiredness....to me, of late, exhaustion has been a mental/emotional state of being, that feeling where you simply cannot endure thought. You sleep for escape, not rejuvenation; generally, you wake up feeling not a whole lot better than you did when you went to bed, except that your body needs a fresh shot of caffeine. On the other hand, tiredness is the result of actual physical exertion....the glorious feeling of having done something, having used all your muscles and tendons and various parts to accomplish something, and now they all need their rest. I know I'm going to tumble into bed tonight feeling so much more grateful for sleep than I have in a long while.

Insert Clever Title Here

POETRY
Last week I picked up a copy of Adam Clay's The Wash. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm intrigued. He's a local poet, and apparently this is his first book. There is something odd and clamorous about his writing...strange images, dreamlike but not always in a sweet, sentimental way...strange ways to punctuate and capitalize. Images of Lisa Chavez, my old undergrad poetry prof, danced in my head--she never was one for postmodern weirdness. Myself, I don't gravitate towards it, but when done well, it certainly gives me pause. Next time I post, I'll have more thoughts about it. After all, a book with a dead bird on the cover is certainly intriguing.

HEALTH
I began another 30 day-committment today. I'm tired of going nowhere with my health (particularly in the category of weight loss), so I'm punching it up a notch. Now that the play is almost over, it will be much easier to feel in control of my life. And certainly no more fast food. Ugh, I forgot how that stuff sits at the bottom of your stomach like cement.

I also signed up for a program called PUSH this month. For $25 a month, you get hooked up with a world-class trainer who makes DVD workouts for you monthly, based on your specifications. In the beginning, you give them all kinds of information about your current fitness level, your preferences for exercise, any old injuries you may have, and what workout equipment you already have in your home that you could use. Then they make it for you. It's pretty sweet, actually, although I'm struggling with using it. The timing, for one, was not good--I haven't seen my house by daylight in weeks, and one is not inclined to do cardio at 11:00 p.m. after being on the go all day (especially when one knows that an identical day is in store tomorrow). So I haven't given it my all so far this month, although this week I'm trying to. On your DVD, you get 2 training sessions with the trainer of your choice (mine is Bob Harper, otherwise known as Trainer Bob on The Biggest Loser), a cardio workout, and an "area of focus" workout, which you specify for them each month--abs, legs, arms, etc. I'm loving the cardio--I chose kickboxing this month, and it's awesome. I'm having a hard time mentally adapting to the training sessions, though. They're simple exercises, done with various pieces of equipment, and right now it feels like it's just not enough to make a difference. Although, honestly, you're talking to a girl who is used to The Firm and all its hardcore, kick-butt glory. I've got to find some kind of middle ground.

I also have seven more papers to grade. *sigh*