Thinking about....

....who I was then, versus who I am now.

Maybe it's the 10 year high school reunion thing, or whatever, but I've been nostalgic lately. I actually pulled out my senior year yearbook and started looking through it....wondering where all those people went, what they did with themselves, what 10 years has done to them. And then I thought about what 10 years has done to me. Of course it's easy to say "a lot." Hopefully all of them can say that! (if they couldn't, I'd be concerned)

But mostly I've been thinking about who I was then, or who I thought I was in relation to other people. I really honestly thought I was a nobody. I mean, I thought I had talents, but either they weren't "good enough" (meaning there was someone better at it than me) or else they were "useless" (meaning they didn't get me anywhere on the social ladder--like being a valedictorian, getting good grades, etc.). Kind of extremist thought, I know. Yet at the same time, I wasn't so much of a dork that I stood out for it...I was just middle-of-the-road, and therefore totally ignorable. I really, really identified with the character of Abby Barnes in The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Still do, as a matter of fact, but not so much that I think of myself that way anymore. It was certainly how I felt about myself then, though.

I've recently put a message out to a girl I found on Myspace who used to go to my high school. We were in the same grade, but I don't think I would have called us friends. Non-hostile acquaintances? I mean, we were friendly, of course. She actually did strike me as very nice, and perhaps misunderstood. By that, I mean because she was very pretty, and very popular, I sometimes thought the teachers didn't give her a whole lot of scholarly attention. One time sticks out in my mind, when we had a class together, and I don't think once do I remember the teacher ever calling on her to answer a question. And I kind of felt bad for her in that way, because I was (and am) quite convinced that she's very intelligent. At the very least, I never saw her behave meanly or cruelly to someone of a lower social caste (ahhh, high school politics). And that made her remarkable, in my book.

But having sent her the Myspace message, now I get all nervous. First of all, will she remember me? (remember, I was a nobody, right? but perhaps that's my conclusion, not the actual truth) Second of all, will she even care to get to know me, now that we're removed from all the junk of adolescence?

I'm trying to remind myself that what matters is who I am now--and that maybe who I was then wasn't so bad, either.